


What Makes You Strong

by orphan_account



Category: Cobra Kai (Web Series), Karate Kid (Movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, lawrusso, recovering from abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:14:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27397048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Johnny goes over some of his memories and works on accepting himself. He tries to relearn a lot of what he was taught about what makes a person strong.
Relationships: Daniel LaRusso/Johnny Lawrence
Comments: 9
Kudos: 101





	What Makes You Strong

**Author's Note:**

> There are references to the past abuse Johnny endured so tread lightly. This is Johnny's POV as he tries to work through his ideas about weakness and strength, his need for perfection, and how he feels about himself.

Johnny liked that Daniel didn’t look anything like his family. He didn’t want to look back at blue eyes or blonde hair. Sometimes, sinking into Daniel’s brown eyes was the only thing that could remind him that things could change and life was new today and would be new every day. He would card his fingers through Daniel's hair and smell the sweet smell that he always had and he could remember this was not the same as it used to be. This was new.

They were dancing in the living room, even though Johnny didn’t like to dance. He didn’t think he was good at it. Daniel reminded him that being good at it didn’t matter. It was just them. They were just having fun. Johnny nodded but didn’t believe him.

Sometimes, they would argue and Johnny would try to run away, which Daniel hated, because people leaving, neglecting the time they had together, that was something Daniel couldn’t stand. He wanted to work things out. That was what adults did. “Couples fight, Johnny,” Daniel had said. “It doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It doesn’t mean you don’t love me. It means we trust each other enough to be honest.”

“What does that mean?” is what Johnny wanted to ask. He had never seen that happen. He had lots of examples to look at. And from what he could tell, either you run away (to save them, from yourself), or you let them know how much of a burden they are, or you hold a good life over their heads with certain criteria they must live up to, or, like his mother, you smile when they’re around, and you cry when they’re not there to berate you for it. Johnny had lots of examples, but he’d never seen one where yelling didn’t mean hate.

And he kept every mean word and mistake close, tallied them up, dusted them off when he got a little too loose or things were going a little too well. He would look at them, all his failures, and wonder how Daniel could love him.

But Daniel said he loved him. And he didn’t want him to change. He just wanted to be with him, now, just how he was. And forever, even if he changed.

That made Johnny want to run. “Sometimes I feel like I’ve tricked you,” Johnny would whisper when they were alone, when Daniel smiled at him. “There’s so much about me … so much wrong. I’ve done so many bad things, Daniel.”

“Everyone has done bad things, Johnny. And no one is perfect. No one. Not ever. And that’s normal. And that’s good.”

Johnny almost cried when he said things like that, when he held his face in his hands and smoothed his hair away from his forehead. He didn’t. But he almost did.

__________

Johnny had been a really sensitive kid. He loved music. (He would sing and dance with his mom when she played her records. He never told anyone that. He barely remembered.)

He loved animals and being outside. A cool breeze, the way the stars looked on a clear night, the way the seasons changed, subtle, but beautiful. He noticed so much and he loved it all. He remembered being happy. He remembered having fun. 

And he cried. He remembered crying a lot. Not for any reason really. Just because, when he was a kid, he felt things, and he cried.

And then one day he stopped. Crying wasn’t normal, he found out. It was a weakness and it meant he was a failure. It meant something was wrong with him.  
_________

When he realized he liked men as well as women he wasn’t scared. He was good at keeping secrets and so good at hiding what he was feeling. He felt resentment grow in his chest when he heard about other people who couldn’t hide what they felt. When he heard about other people who suffered because they had to hide who they were. He scoffed. It was their fault because they couldn’t control themselves. He would never have that problem.

He didn’t realize he already had that problem. He didn’t realize how much he was hurting himself, or maybe he did.

________

When he first saw Daniel, his lip curled in disgust. He thought he was better than Daniel at first sight and didn’t understand how this person could be taking everything away from him, could be beating him at his own game. And he seemed so _free_ and so _open_. And how fucking dare he be so happy when he was so small and weak? And when he _looked_ like that. Boys weren’t supposed to look that pretty. 

Johnny remembered every time he’d heard a joke about his hair or his eyes or the fact he was a pretty boy. After he’d learned to fight, those jokes had stopped. He’d made sure of it.

But here was Daniel. And he didn’t even seem to _care_ that he looked like that. Johnny was so jealous.  
________

It was a few weeks after the tournament and Johnny heard a knock on the door. When he swung it open, Daniel was standing there.

“Hey, Johnny. I just wanted to say, I forgive you for everything that happened at the tournament, and before that. I’m sorry for what happened with your Sensei,” said Daniel.

 _You forgive me? Weak._ Johnny thought. But what he said out loud was, “Okay. Great.”

Daniel scoffed, “Yeah, okay. See ya, Johnny.”

And then something took control that Johnny still couldn’t explain. He reached out. He touched Daniel’s shoulder and he asked him to come inside.

And Daniel said yes.

Before Johnny knew it, he was telling Daniel … everything. So much more than he ever told anyone. Daniel listened. Really listened. 

It took a long time for Johnny to understand that Daniel’s vulnerability and openness didn’t come from a place of weakness, but of strength. That it was so much harder, to be honest with other people than to just say what they wanted to hear. So much more difficult to be who he really was, rather than the person people expected him to be.

He was still working on being honest with himself. Still trying to understand that he was okay even if he wasn’t acceptable to everyone else. And, most of all, he was trying like hell not to push these things onto Daniel.

_____________

And now, as they swayed in their living room, socks brushing over the floor, music playing low, he had to remind himself that he was safe. No one was going to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing. Daniel wasn’t going to hate him if he fucked this up, he wasn’t going to see him as less than.

Tears pricked Johnny’s eyes and he wanted to turn and run. He wanted to shove this feeling down and not think about it. But he didn’t. He let a few tears run down his cheeks, and Daniel didn’t tell him to stop crying, he didn’t laugh, he didn’t walk away. They just kept moving and everything was fine. Everything was normal. And he was safe.


End file.
